Some soul searching, minus conclusions.

I'm sitting in Starbucks right now, paying six dollars to use Wi-Fi for an hour. I'm doing this because I'm meeting with some classmates for dinner before our class at iO. I'm doing that because I need friends. I've been experiencing a weird sort of culture shock and it happened to me way late in my time since moving here.

In Detroit, I came from a really close group of friends. Unlike most close groups of friends though, this one was gigantic. Sure, I have my really, really close friends within that group, but I don't think I could count on one hand the ones I wouldn't go to with a serious problem or enjoy a night alone with.

It's strange to go from that to virtual nothingness. I really wasn't expecting that. I moved here knowing I would have to build new relationships, to start over. But I was also under the illusion I would reconnect. I was under the illusion the people that liked me in college, or said they did, would be here, arms open, ready to welcome me into this new experience. Boy, was I wrong.

I'm no angel in this scenario though. I don't call people. I have people I think I could be really great friends with in RECESS (my improv team), people I've met in my life here, and also Detroit transplants. I'm scared to call them though. Any of them. I fear their reactions. Mainly because I think that there could only be two different reactions.

Reaction one: Person answers phone with a more inquisitive tone then normal, not the usual "Hello?" but more like a very confused "Hello?", if you were sitting here I could show you the inflection differences. They are very subtle, it's the facial expression that really gives it away. The facial expression that I would never see. But, it's a reaction to answering a phone call from an unknown number. This means that these friends did not even have my phone number programmed in their phones.

or

Reaction two: The intonation of the "Hello?" is practically the same but it says something totally different. This person has my phone number programmed, they know it's me calling, but they are curious as to why. This is pretty common. I rarely know the purpose behind every phone call I recieve. That's not what I'm talking about though. I'm talking about the "What reason could you possibly have for attempting to interact with me outside of the two hours (sometimes three if there's a lunch afterwards) of forced interaction we have of rehearsal? Oh...*snicker*...you wanted to hang out! Go get a drink, that's rich!"

I don't know which I fear more.

I know I need to call people and take the initiative beyond vague, dateless facebook comments reading "hey, I miss u, let's get together soon. TTYS"

I also know that I've blown things off that I have been invited to. Birthday parties (not personally invited but certainly not omitted) that I probably could have made it to if I really wanted to, but I was tired.

Still, I feel very alone here, aside from Kristen obviously.

In other, unrelated news, I'm considering another tattoo but I just don't know what I want. I really like rockabilly tattoos and have actually been listening to a lot of rockabilly as well as wearing my hair in a pompadour. Wouldn't my next step to get a 1940's era microphone or a cool brightly colored jukebox tattoo.

Maybe I'll get something that actualy says something about myself. Damn image conciousness.

Dear residents of Chicago,

Life is short. Slow down.

Love,
Your Neighbor Ryan